There are many people today that think they know what's best foreverybody else. Some of them are preoccupied with implementingstricter firearms-related laws. To people that know nothing aboutguns, these ideas may seem reasonable. So, in order to let thetrue nature of the proposals shine forth, I have put them in a frame ofreference that most people can relate to.

How to Save Lives

An essay by James Funkhouser

It has come to my attention that my country, the United States ofAmerica, is facing a serious problem. Too many people are beingkilled on the nation's roadways. Following are my proposedsolutions to the problem.

The solutions are listed in order, with the more preferred givenhigher in the list. It may be difficult to get the best ideasimplemented immediately, so we will probably have to start withthe bottom of the list and work our way up as the public beginsto accept the measures.

1) The best solution is the simplest one. The average Americandoes not need a car, despite his unfounded whining to thecontrary. Limit the use and possession of automobiles to emergencyorganizations (police, fire, and ambulance) and select, registered publictransportation companies. These companies may operate buses and taxis,but will have to comply with strict federal regulations.

2) Keep most of solution #1, but allow limited ownership of automobiles byprivate citizens. These vehicles must be kept at approved racetracks,and may only be operated by the registered owners while at the track.

3) Allow any sane, non-felon citizen to own an automobile, but only one.After all, one person can only drive one automobile at a time. There is noneed to have more than one. Vehicles may only be purchased from aregisterd dealer in the buyer's state of residence. So-called "car shows"would be strictly prohibited.

4) Implement an outright ban on all cars that are capable of speedsin excess of 35 miles per hour. Any faster is too dangerous.Please think of the children!

6) Limit vehicle capacity to four passengers, so that fewerpeople can be killed if the car is wrecked.

7) Ban the sale of vehicles that look "mean" or "ugly", such as Hummers,fake-wood-paneled station wagons, and yellow Volkswagen Things. There isno valid use for such vehicles. (VW Things may be allowed when paintedother colors.)

8) Impose a three-week "waiting period" before the purchase of a newcar. This will give the buyer plenty of time to make sure thathe/she is familiar with the vehicle before taking delivery. If onlyone life is saved, it will be worth it!

9) Under no circumstances should "automobile safety" be taught inthe public schools. This will only inspire the students to wantto drive, especially in a careless manner. If a student lives ina car-free home, then he/she would never have to know how to behavein the presence of an automobile. Those that live in homes with carscan only be saved by tougher automotive legislation.

(Yes, I realize that not everyone agrees with me. That's fine. Flame meif you feel that you must. And before you fire off that other flame:Yes, I know that traffic deaths are no laughing matter. If you're upsetwith regard to that, I'd say you missed the point. And in case you'reinterested in what I really think, let me just say that in my opinionthe solution to both problems is education, education, and more education.)

Copyright 1997, James Funkhouser
No use or duplication allowed without permission.

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